your problems would resolve themselves if you would just shut your mouth

no longer useful.

Continue Reading July 6, 2009 at 3:18 pm Leave a comment

engrish + such…’pedestrian’ is NOT an insult, apparently…***icantspelltosavemyalcohol..

hmm, i speak fluent engrish. i used the word ‘coagulate’ (btw, means blod clot..) up until a year ago, when someone finally brought it to my attention..the word that should have been used was ‘congregate’…so, apparently, ive been suggesting that we all, say, blood clot at my house at 8…jeeze

“We all make misteaks. But most of them aren’t as completely terrible as this. Fast and quick blast through the web’s most awkward and misspelled signs — featuring the greatest hits of Engrish, Spanglish and whatever-else-ish.”

read more | digg story

April 14, 2008 at 12:40 pm Leave a comment

tictactoomuch

a crappy test. nah it was okay. whatever.

Continue Reading April 9, 2008 at 8:02 pm 1 comment

screwdrivers & tinfoil

wow oldies, pictures from the depths..

read more | digg story

November 18, 2007 at 4:58 pm Leave a comment

The can you survive serial killers Test

You scored 23Actio, 14Mental! you one sick mother f***er
READ THIS VERY IMPORTAND TO TELL HOW ANTI_KILLER YOU ARE!!! If you got a score less than 14 on action your one dead mother f***er and would last 2 hours If you get 16 or more on action you could survive 5 hours and a chance to escape too More than 21 you kill the cunt and escape with your life. —— On mentle a score less the 12 means you commit suicide 13-20 After escaping you live your life in a phyico home above that your sort of mentaly stable

read more | digg story

June 28, 2007 at 7:55 am Leave a comment

The Psycho Test

In the clouds
HAHAHAHA! YOU ARE 38% SANE
So your a bit loopy. Who cares right? Fire may be fun but you are generally aware that you don’t want to hurt anyone. Pete the Penguin is your best friend and he plays with you even when others are around. You’ve managed to avoid the mean voices most of the time although you do like to bury random items – b

read more | digg story

June 28, 2007 at 6:23 am Leave a comment

The Heartache Personality Test

Rebounder
Looks like your heart is 56% broken
Not to be confused with the reboundee, you are the Rebounder. You’ve had your share of broken hearts but you’re not willing to deal with another one by yourself so you drag someone down with you. Not only do you spark up another potential relationship – it was from the ashes of your last one. Phoenix

read more | digg story

June 28, 2007 at 6:16 am Leave a comment

The How to determine if your drunk Test

Liquor happy
Congratulations! You scored 60%!
So you sitting in your happy little seat- you probably have fallen once in awhile, but you are still able to gain stability. Your a few glasses/shots away from being bestfriends with ‘the toilet’. FREEEEDOM!!!!!

read more | digg story

June 28, 2007 at 6:09 am Leave a comment

The Quirk Test

hmm

read more | digg story

June 28, 2007 at 6:06 am Leave a comment

more more more of what

“every attempt to make a chicken sandwhich out of chicken shit has resulted in a chicken shit sandwhich, no pickle on the side will ever change that.”
i love shamelessly ego-ambushing…

read more | digg story

April 15, 2007 at 3:51 pm Leave a comment

Olympus FE-100

best year ever

read more | digg story

April 14, 2007 at 11:22 pm Leave a comment

RIP Canon PowerShot A610, #2 of my poor cameras..

hello my name is Jimmy Pop and i’m a dumb white guy,
i’m not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high,
i don’t know mofo if y’all peeps be buggin’ give props to my ho cause she all fly,
but i can take the heat cause i’m the other white meat known as ‘Kid Funky Fried’,
yeah i’m hung like planet Pluto hard to see with the naked eye,
but if i crashed into Uranus i would stick it where the sun don’t shine,
cause i’m kind of like Han Solo always stroking my own wookie,
i’m the root of all that’s evil yeah but you can call me cookie
yo yo this hard-core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice

read more | digg story

April 14, 2007 at 11:00 pm Leave a comment

hanky code

i don’t know mofo if y’all peeps be buggin’ give props to my ho cause she all fly

Continue Reading April 14, 2007 at 9:02 pm Leave a comment

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

March 21, 2007 at 7:23 am 1 comment

if you puke its not a fluke


ugh. well, what can i say about my day. i slept til 7 and then did nothing. eventually i ended up smoking some really good crack, just took a suboxone. great. the puking feeling is finally fading. i dont understand what the fuck is wrong with me. but i function fine. i get A’s. its not like when i was 16. were led to believe that..what i do…IE: junkies…are just JUNKIES. unemployed, unproductive, desgusting, etc…but for years ive been doing the same shit and still managed fine. well, i was on medical leave for a year but that was unrelated to drug usage (yay for organ failure!)…really. drugs probably didnt help but they didnt cause me being sick and shit. but back to my point..its all about the attitude. when i was a junior i WANTED to fail, be the worst. i did slightly more heroin in those days. now i like to be the best. or good, whatever, big ego. i function. ugh. i’m too high to write, this just sounds like a piece of denial.

February 21, 2007 at 7:21 am Leave a comment

bomb turd

i’m going to heaven with or without you
Webshots – RSS

powered by performancing firefox

November 5, 2006 at 11:57 pm Leave a comment

you look like a buttslammed psychotic

 
 
 
  Posted by Picasa

June 6, 2006 at 5:10 am Leave a comment

EVERY BAND HAS A SHONEN KNIFE WHO LOVES THEM

You scored as Eating Disorders. Congratulations! You have an eating disorder! You know what it’s like to have “fat” eyelids and that there’s exactly 58 calories in one medium-sized green apple. Western society has discarded your well-being for sickly, paper-thin models and celebrities; welcome to the club, sister.

Eating Disorders

75%

>Unipolar Depression

33%

Borderline Personality Disorder

25%

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

17%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

17%

Schizophrenia

17%

Which mental disorder do you have?

January 6, 2006 at 4:17 pm Leave a comment

Flickr

This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

December 30, 2005 at 2:48 pm Leave a comment

please paste this on to your landlord

master shake told me to go in the freezer, because there was a carnival in there. there was no carnival, it was a damn freezer. i got freezer burn, and i got mushed up against that chicken.

December 30, 2005 at 12:16 pm Leave a comment

motherfuckers

godamnit. so, they want to kick me out of school…again. what. i havent failed anything, i actualy go to all my classes, havent missed a day of school… i dont get it. it would be nice if people would explain the problem to me. yeah i know my grades are far from perfect and that sometimes i’m late, but shit, give me a fucking break. people did worse then me last trimester and theyre not getting kicked out. why do these motherfuckers have to be up my ass every second, i do one thing wrong and everyones in a panic. its my life, go fuck yourselves, okay? yeah. and dont give me that bullshit about “we dont feel this is the right place for Racky”, thats such a fucking pussy-whipped shit statement, such a fucking cowardly excuse. they know very well that i’m not going to bother attending another school. plus this big bitch Satan mother is going to kick me out of the house for good if i’m not at Horace Mann. and what, my parents and school-people had this conversation a week ago and no one told me until today. what, were they going to just let me atend school all year and not bother to tell me i wasnt getting credits since i’m not actually a student? so the deans are acting bizaar around me, and i’m getting paranoid and i ask them [on Friday] if i’m getting kicked out, the make me see various heads of the school and all saying “no ones talked to you yet, god, [getting uncomfortable] go talk to so-and-so” and those fucking shitbags sit there and lie to me, fucking shitting out their mouths and tell me that everything is fine and i’m not in danger of being thrown out since i havent done anything wrong. so tommarow after school i have a meeting to see if anyone can help me. but ofcourse, Mr. Castleman and such want me to “take a leave and not return”. fuck you. i did what you asked, you cant fucking expect A’s when i’m so fucked up that i cant stay awake without vast quantaties of drugs, and my life is still shitty because my mom never kept her fucking word. shes still a psychotic and we still beat eachother up and i get stabbed, and such. and its fucked up that no one will do shit about that, because ive finally realised that families arent supposed to try to kill eachother…they may not love eachother but they should still respect eachother, and that just doesnt exist in this household. how can i concentrate when my mom is stealing my drugs and throing a fucking apple on my head, screaming for hours. i still just dont get it, why NOW. i dont shoot up in the middle of the classroom, i dont even talk in class, let alone call out. and i dont pick fights with anyone, i’m the perfectly non-irritating student since i am practicly a mute in every class. getting called on makes me throw up. its not like last year, where i’d have like a bottle of whiskey a day, starting with morning shots to get me going. okay, now i mostly do drugs. but still, i can handle myself well, at least in classes, ive only had bad hallucinations three times this year that it was obvious i was quite fucked up. if anyone actually reads my huge rant then…uh…wheee…this is fucked up. i’m sick of just sitting there and taking everyones shit, and it doesnt matter if i try because i am going to get fucked in the fucking ass no matter what, and yeah, okay, the sucky reality that no one really gives a damn, and people like me should just do themselves a favor, go out, get a gun, and use it on themselves so those other fuckers cant have the satisfaction of making my shit life shittier. hahah. fuck you, fuck you. i put up with everyone talking about how ugly/stupid/fat/gross/skeletal i am and walking all over me my whole life and i cant defend myself because i took myself out of “social things” for most of my life up till 10th grade and i dont speak. not to most people atleast. its just habbit, i guess, i stopped emotionally devolping at age seven when i decided to isolate myself because i didnt like being made fun of. its not quite my fault i’m socaily retarded. oh, and its REALLY FUNNY when i’m late for class. yeah, my god, its halarious! sorry, i was too busy coughing up blood and being generally desgusting. what is this shit, i’m supposed to be mute, right? not deaf, so that means yeah, when you talk about me and i’m five feet away, i can hear you. i dont need to cry in class, i have other things that make me feel better. and i’m not fucking stupid, okay? why the fuck am i even typing this. maybe its the amphetamines. probably. i’m sick of always just dangling on, i’m not even allowed to take part in the “normal” parts of teenage life, so fine. if thats the way they want it, i get kicked out – i go whole-heartedly into a nice heroin addiction, then i’m going to go set myself on fucking fire and die, game over, you all fucking win, i hope you enjoy it. but ofcourse, no one will remember me because i was nothing. besides, isnt it better to just die then to go and see my classmates in a few years, getting on with their lives filledwith potential, and i’ll be there dirty, unemployed and choking in my own vomit. thank but i’ll pass. what a joke, if i wasnt at school, the very few people i talk to woulnt even bother to keep in contact with me. yeah. i’m just the Fuck-Up my entire life, and no matter how dumb you feel, you can still laugh at me because i’m uglier, creepier, and besides, i’m not smart enough to understand so wheres the harm? isnt it funny that i got an F AND i was fifteen minuts late today! har. okay. thisentry has reached the point of, if i had been talking, whoever i was talking to would have longago slammed the door on my face pleading with me to shut up already. jesus what a mess. fuck this entry.

January 21, 2003 at 4:58 am Leave a comment

thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.

contrary to popular belief, uppers and downers mixed together do not cancel eachother out. its quite unpleasant. actually, i’m feeling better now, but for awhile there, i was pretty sure that i was going to get eaten, or go brain-dead.

January 12, 2003 at 11:53 pm Leave a comment

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar. i have more beef then any of the other cowboys.

.
.
.
What is my spectrum?

I am blue: My main color is blue. I am a little bitter when people choose a blissfully ignorant aproach to life. I try to see things for the way they really are.

.
What is my spectrum?

October 14, 2002 at 5:23 pm Leave a comment

how reassuring

My College Is:
chubbs Night School
Students at chubbs Night School goof off a lot.
The average student has sex 12 times a month.
40% of freshmen are slaves.
Weed is the drug of choice.
The average GPA is 1.5
Enroll

October 14, 2002 at 5:20 pm Leave a comment

put a bullet in my head, i want to die


I Am The Sex Toy:

Fuzzy Cuffs: Everyone knows who’s in charge here, its me! I’ll grab you by the wrists and not let go until you are good and done. Ten-hut!

Find out what sex toy you are.

October 14, 2002 at 5:16 pm Leave a comment

this is pointless

I Am The 3rd Party:

The Reform Party: A shell of your former self, you are a bit of a has-been. You had the potential to take the country by storm. You even had a governer, as well as a good run for president. But you were fractured and split into three parties. Ross Perot, Jesse Ventura, and Pat Buchanan had too different views to stick together. When Pat Buchanan wrested control of you, you lost all respect. You know Buchanan is an idiot if a former wrestler has more respect then him. It was nice while it lasted.

Find out what 3rd party you are!

October 14, 2002 at 5:14 pm Leave a comment

i shot motherfuckers i dont know why


My Favorite Male Part Is:

The Butt: Round and firm.

Thats where I branded him.

Find out your favorite male body part!

October 14, 2002 at 5:12 pm Leave a comment

i hate you

What protester am I?

I am dazed and confused: Whoa. What’s going on here? Is this a party? Who are these people holding these signs and why are they yelling? Oh well, I bet they have some stoney buds.

What protester am I?

October 14, 2002 at 5:10 pm 2 comments

Ron felt better when we removed the spatula

The B-Movie That Suits Me Is:

Q – The Winged Serpent: A giant beast attacks New York City. With famous actors and great sets, its hard to call this a b-movie. But it is.

Find out which b-movie suits you.

October 14, 2002 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment

lets play naked-robber!

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe): Tall, dark, and…. well you can’t really tell what he looks like. Silent and deadly, skilled and sexy. Snake Eyes might seem intimidating, but he is the perfect gentleman.

What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To?

October 14, 2002 at 5:02 pm Leave a comment

someone kissed their own ass by mistake

i hate this. it just gets continually worse. i cant do my work. i’m supposd to “fix” things this year. i’m supposed to get off it, but i know if theres any hope of me getting gout of bed i’m going to need a little. i dont want to anymore. how did this get so out of control? i’m such a failure. its pathetic when i’m nostalgic for last year.

October 14, 2002 at 4:41 pm Leave a comment

well whoopee-fuckin-do, hey, i’m impressed.

my mom is a whore.

September 19, 2002 at 11:32 pm Leave a comment

i didn’t want to get sloppy so i switched from drinking whiskey to beer.

i stepped on six nails yesterday morning. the carpet was taken off because it had rotted, and nobody warned me. so unpleasent. awful thing to wake up to. now i have some sort of weird hangover, and i laughed so hard that that i just threw up suddenly. it was weird.

September 14, 2002 at 10:05 pm Leave a comment

the creature in the sky got sucked in a hole, now theres a hole in the sky, and the grounds not cold

har har.

September 12, 2002 at 10:22 pm Leave a comment

yeah, okay okay

booh. more bad days. i’m trying to be optimistic or something, but its sort of really difficult. i wish i could just hate everything again. or, you know, atleast not have feelings. i wanted to feel what everyone gets to feel. god this is the most pathetic sounding thing ive typed in…not such a long time. yeah, be careful what you wish for. what a fucking burdon. why why why couldnt i just…not be such a fucking idiot half the time…i mean, i still need substances to even talk to people and actually have a strong emotion – and its never pleasent. i’m really not very good at dealing with right out feelings. its so easy for everyone to just go up and have normal converastions with people. me – i cant even ask anyone for a pen without some sort of mild heart attack. and even if anyone does talk to me, i completely fuck it up and scare them. i need to get away from this. i need…a people-skills class. oh, look at this shit. this is the type of thing i’m going to read over soon and be completely repulsed by this sad, sad driviling person, who is myself and should probably go sit in the laundry room, drinking a bottle of vodka.

September 10, 2002 at 11:58 pm Leave a comment

my word! you are fucked up!

yes. well everything is still shitty. got half the wrnog schoolbooks. it actually really embaresses me that i am in älg & trig (again) with only sophmores. i’m hoping they think i was just behind to begin with – but i know they dont. it bothers me that the other day i bought a slice of pizza for two dollars and some cents..and i gave the guy a five, since the register wasnt working correctly, he wanted to know how much to give me back. and i couldnt do it. i mean, this must be fucking second grade math and i still cant do it in my head. i actually want to do well this year, i want to be motivated and do something besides dissapoint everyone, yet i cant. i cant live in this shit house and still expect to do decent. there is something fiercly rotten in here, and i think its just the plaster in the walls again. oh well, atleast i know itsdefinatly not my fault that the upstairs neighbors always flood things. oh and also i spiled soda on the keybord again, it keeps “screaming” at me, which is both weird and sad. on my part, i mean, its a fucking platic and electric…thing. hehh. maybe i should go to sleep now.

September 8, 2002 at 10:59 pm Leave a comment

shut up, fuckface

school. i tried to get nervous or excited or something but it didnt work out. i feel like a dumbass being in algebra & trig again. somehow i ended up with four of the class textbooks at home…not bad classes i guess. its fucking irritating when friends can barely pull a “hi” out. god its not like i’m asking for money (though i probably will at some point…) there are so many things that bothered me yet i wont even bother to bring it up, because no one ever apoplogizes to me anyway – EVEN WHEN I’M FUCKING RIGHT. or maybe not even in terms of right or wrong. when you hurt the feelings of someone you care about, shouldnt you atleast be able to say sorry. then i have to ask for a “sorry”, and then its real half-assed. i’m sick of everyones stupid fucking apathy. yeah.

September 5, 2002 at 5:08 pm Leave a comment

for all my life, i’ve have wanted to do something that was, um, that was unequivocal

home. i never thought id miss it. well, only a little…

September 2, 2002 at 12:59 am Leave a comment

you came back from the dead to tell me i’m odd?

well, things seem to be traveling down a progressively shitty slope of…shit. asshole locks me out, fights, blah blah, either me or him goes, so he removed himself from the household, probably so he could go do something stupid and illegal with animals – i mean who knows, i dont particularly care. good riddance. by the time i got back Daddy Dearest had left :-D am i supposed to go to vermont with Satan-mom now for that family shit? i’d almost rather wait for asswipe to return, because the entire ‘family’ hates me since i’m not really ‘one of them’. oh boo hoo. god, this shit is so overdone, i cant deal with it anymore, no one is happy and this arrangement is not fucking working. i am suppose to become anally obsessed with my work this year because i have no friends and…i kind of need to make up for last year. i dont want anymore of this jerry springer-like-soap opera bullshit. enough.

August 30, 2002 at 5:45 am Leave a comment

and you three, what a bunch of cocksuckers.

great, elenas mom hates me. i hate my mom. circle of hate lalala. infact right now im really not feeling the love. i am going to have nowhere to go ever and i’m going to end up having to stay in my buildings basement again (once was PLENTY, even if there is a lovely vending machine), and i am always going to be known as that stupid fuck up who gets addicted to everything and fails out of classes, gets really drunk and cries about it when its actually just my own fault. i hate to just complain like a little shithead, but god, this sucks. i am not even motivated enough to drown my troubles in alcohol.

August 29, 2002 at 2:27 am Leave a comment

Older Posts


still talkin bout the smilin deathporn immortality blues

procrastinate NOW!

  • 289 dicks

super normals

pepsi degeneration

the best of 12 tries

  • None

luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

she couldnt come. she was afraid of her love for you.

WTF i just bitched out a rather legnthy rant expressing my anger at the unwanted 'information' that was the consequence of my uncaring attitude towards giving a damn about logging off of any of the many (MANY - its sick, ithink i have a problem..) random online 'things' (ex:facebook, digg & other RSS feeding fucking things, myspace, you get the picture...) you see..i have this unquestionable unhealthy urge to create an account (most blame this on my apparent, but true, addiction to myself..and my computer. any computer. i take over when i come to CPs house, pretty sure if she wasnt pitying my bloodclot and surgury shit, shed be beating my self-obsessed ass up with a raw trout--which, i wouldnt deny, i probably could benefit from. erm..the beating, not the trout. yeah..) shit! tangent! moving ON! *you know, over the past two years, ive become rather UNfond of percoset, vicodin & codeine. infact, i fucking hate their guts, they make me vomit. seriously, because every time i take any of 'em (like now, ive got the pleasure of having all three stuffed unceremoniously into my pill bag (think senior citizen-styley. isnt that cool..) along with 8 other bottless, some which i aint complaining about, and others (such as the one that brought on the 'slow, uncomfortable spew' and the seizure pills (now that i'm more used to this bloated dosage, i find myself rather confused at it already being may, things after the end of december got kinda...cloudy. and NO, my 'usual memory' isnt just as bad due to my habbit of coming home (or, staying home, for days at a time like one of those cat ladies. but with no cats. just a fish.) and kicking back with two six-packs of any bitch drink (sorry for the term, but we all know what that means: twisted tea-my favorite again finally we are reconcilled after the Terrible 'Pounding'/'Chugging' Dozen Dare in Under One Hour...followed by the 'Private Time' i declared i needed to have suddenly after...to go outside and thow up all over the sides of my poor friends' house, the very same house where i sped my way through days&days&DAYS of volentarily&joyiously cleaning it with passionate obsession and lots of green scrubies...the story gets a lot more embarassing, but ill try to stick to the point (a little), lets just say when i came in, i apparently declared that i was going to go shower, and i was pretty fucked up at that point, but i was surprised when i woke up on the couch the next morning with like my arm through a pant leg and my pants...not where they should have been..ayyee...my...ego... oh well theyve seen me do dumber and drunker and worse then that! that wasnt even NEARLY the stupidest night ive had! ... shit. for real now. put a long story short, i had a program running that saves all the webpages i visit (yes fuckers i know thats what the 'history' tab is for but just listen its different!) in an online account giving me the freedom to not lose my place even when i lose my computer...im throttling my brain, trying to think of public places ive logged into...but really, all i can think of is at CSC. when i re-logged back in after a long bout of negligence, i was heartbroken to see my 'favorites' looking ever-so-similar to my AOL mailbox (which is why my emails are always over 600 in the inbox and people are always thinking 'wow, that abnormal bitch is totally the worst kind of asshole whos out frolicking or some shit and ignoring her friends *I'M SORRY! I HAVE A PROBLEM CHECKING MY MESSAGES! ID WORK ON IT BUT I CANT HANDLE THE SPAM IT MAKES ME BREAK THINGS!*...there were the stock/business/financial-type webpages (EW. delete. didnt even want to get sucked into that right now), the 'ENLARGE YOUR PENIS!' x 60-or-so (DAMMIT! thats why ive kept my distance from myspace, too. I DONT HAVE A FUCKING DICK, i dont care how amazing the product is, i'm not going to grow 'double my size' and get mad bitches and all that shit, because theres no fucking cock there to begin with. its like driving off a cliff and slamming on the breaks in mid air. it just aint happening, so, kindly FUCK OFF and spam me with something more original please!)..but then, things got weird. really weird. like that time last year when we were on a real lot of acid for most of the time and looked up dolphin sex. ugh. i learned more then i ever wanted to know about nature, being ONE with NATURE and all that %$!#@!#@!...sorry, i'm all about being yourself, embracing your inner fuckup oddball child and all, but...i dunno man. .. lets just leave it at, i feel perfectly fulfilled consumating with humans, and thats kind of it. beastiality...itsd just TMI. yes, truly it must be, because i am the tyrant overlord of TMI, so for me to declare thatmaybe SOME THINGS should be done in private and maybe NOT shared with me, or most people. man, even writing that pisses me off at myself, i sound like i'm judging and i hate that. maybe i just feel so tramatized by that topic because of all the acid i was on while 'reaserching' uncontrollably, devoid of my own will! (if i ever have a flashback and remember exactly WHO it was that brought up 'dolphin sex' that night, i think ill..do something UNSPEAKABLE to them! in an unpleasant way, damnit!) and because there were MOVIES included with the information. ugh. talk about a bad trip... shit, its amazing how much time i can fill up and waste while half-assedly dancing around a general topic only to lead people far from any sort of comprehensionable conclusion. there were a load of porn sites, but what caught my eye as rather unusual were the "Q&A" type queries, searching for..to put it bluntly, how to jerk one's self off. now...i thought every male, ESPECIALLY during that 'pre-teen' middleschool not quite puberty voice squeek haha funny, most every young lad was religiously devoted to wanking off as often as possible. i couldnt help but click on some of the sites. and all i felt was...well... "..." and then suddenly i couldnt stop laughing, followed by guilt..id just always assumed choking the chicken, flogging the weasel...thrashing the tadpole , whatever you want to call it was instinct, like passing the blame, or conforming. through all my years, boys and their 'toys' always seemed like had that natural understanding. and its just..SO simple though. and reading it in a DIRECTIONS style...just like how one would read over a recipe for some desgusting foreign french food...i mean...wouldnt that alone kinda turn wee-wee into mr. softy? it sounded even less hot reading how one would go about tackling the difficult task of "up, down, up, down, up, DOWNUPDOWN,etc...SPLAT. mess...clean up. " but then again, unless someone at school had their younger brother visiting...i do truly hope there wasnt some 20-ish poor soul who didnt know how to set himself 'free'..heheehh. then the amusement wore off, and i returned to the angry, brutal mood i had been in prior, while i wasted a good hour and a half deleting links to shit i just really didnt want to even accidentily read. acually, this probably only was funny to me because of all them damn painkillers. which reminds me of why i hate those three so much, atleast with the fentanyl or a morphione drip or some other creepy thing ive had, im pretty much useless and fuckin OUT of it enough so that all the unpleasentries 'blend' and blur, and to be honest i couldnt give half an ass bout ANYTHING, let alone be coherent enough to think about much of anything (which is probably a good thing to everyone around me, atleast that cuts down on some of the bitching i do) but with this constant ambush of low & mid - level narcotics, i cant help but feel i'm getting the worst of both worlds. whoah talk about mood swings. its just now, i'm really getting tired of THIS. i..i think ill regret and berate myself for any opinion i type on this topic right now. i'm not going emo on you all. i enjoy being alive and dont really want to not live anymore, but at times (like now, when it appears i need to up the dosage..) i just get really fucking sick of this, and all the bullshit that comes with it, the medicines that (like the percs right now that i'm about to take) only fool me into thinking i'm okay and maybe a little bit ready to party (if you like to throw up on the floor and stuff..yeah) , or even more hated, the pills that fix what they can and make me feel hell of a lot worse and making chunks of my hair fall out (ive since developed a sick fixation on my hair. im finally not spiteful at its current length and plan on letting it grow as absurdly as possible-i hope) .. and lock my doors and act like a lame little excuse for a friend, get forgotten, then i forget that i care...ugh. and knowing that this shit...being 'sick' (and its almost ironic? - i think, ive always been flabbergasted with that definition... - that the problem is kind of oppisit. while i never got sick as a child and didnt have to go through all the boohoos of being a whiny kid with a cough and shitty tasting medicine - which means that until i got to be older, a few months after i turned 17 really, sick days, the MANY i would take ... 'vodka days, anyone?'... were always my fasvorite kind of week day, because really, i just didnt get sick. ofcourse, just like things ALWAYS go [for people like me, destined to be FUCKED no matter what the situation...ugh shut UP dont go emo i HATE that! nothing gets under my fingernails like broken glass from a handle of vodka like emo wannabeish duck-fuckers trying to turn depression & unhappiness into a godamned TREND..] .. theres no such thing as a shortcut.. no such thing as a discount .. (too many cliches can fit in here) and my problem is that my immune system is TOO...enthusiastic. like it got all hyped up on steriods, fame, then coke (like a few of them attention-seeking-then-becoming-enraged-when-they-only-get-what-they-ask-for-celebs out there-though perhaps the cover of the enquirer wasnt quite what they had in mind...) and suddenly they destroy everything around them. and as of now im not going to die really soon and i probably can make it close to 40 (who wants to sag anyway, i think ive got the second-hand experience of midlife crisis from my moms constant, UNRELENTING bitchingNmoaning about how her ass just doubled in size in mere months..yeah, no thanks. lifes about quality, not quantity, and if i continue to do what i feel, (yes, over the years i have grown quite proud over my disregard for things like 'hesitation' and 'thinking before you do something' ..or thinking that i should hold my opinion back, ever (okay, maybe sometimes...i need to stop overcompensating for the pathetic, numb, and opposite-of-person way i lived for 16 years...).. . its just frustrating sometimes to really think about..uhh, the fact that even my body seems to view & treat me in that way i had been accustomed to for so long..forget useless, as something weird and lesser, something that cant ever comfortably or functionally exist in this world. lets be real here. im not even trying to lie to myself anymore about what i can realistically expect from myself. next semester i plan on once again taking on only 2 courses, and theyre gonna be photo, the other shit is out of the picture now. i didnt even get credit for the ONE class i managed to cling on to this semester courtesy of my malfunctioning physical self. its silly to just deceive ones self in matters like this, where they have their own immune system randomly and incurably attacking any organ (& function) for no determinable reason...its like the universe is spitting on me, laughing at me for being silly enough to think that any amount of effort or 'living-through' of inhumane, disgusting and bitter-filled, guiltshitted situations leaving one with the distinct impression that kindness, loyalty, friendship...sympathy, anything less then harsh (better an overly-strong punishment and the occasional times when one really has done nothing actually WRONG - i sware if anyone EVER even came within a DICK-HAIR's length of telling me that i was required to eat EVERYTHING that was contained in my serving of food (the same size as everyone elses. thats not the point.) having to be humiliated and screamed at like that, being unable to talk back, to even be heard. i still get boiled when i remember that 'sloppy joe' incident. and it was such an obvious...%@#!#!#@!#@!, and no i couldnt have leftover fish or some shit instead, i had to 'eat what was on my plate'...couldnt i just fucking not have ANYTHYING then? no, eat whats on the plate. and two hours later i was still stuck in what to me was a horridly rediculous power strugle for me to back down and know my place-and it the now uncharmingly moist and squishy sloppy joe. back then wheat based shit just nauseated me and made me kinda feel drunk (but the bad kind, the nauseous, out of it, crawl on the spiinning floor type...those of you whove seen what happens to me when i drink even three beers (RIP, vodka my love, for you are distilled from the same bastardly thing that beeer is, and while my love is strong, i really rather not blow out a kidney again..) ..its not pretty. eventually, shamefully i ended up crying, because no one would listen to what was a perfectly logical reason (the bread makes me sick, i really cant eat it) until finally nick white stepped in and it was someone else's turn to have a bitter, vengeful situation dumped on them so that they would get 'growth' and become 'stronger'. but no one even know at that time, myself included (more like had to finally ADMIT to myself that i couldnt fake functionality anymore-and this wasnt until a little after i had turned 18. right about that time when i couldn't move most of my bones in my left limbs, and all that other fun stuff piled up..) that something was fucked with my health. it wasnt about that. its about...hating how i still know how to successfully break down a human mentally, from the inside out, over a period of months, and how gradually you can observe their individuality, personal morals & beliefs, fighting spirit..and all, trickle out. and when all of that is over, whats left is something that will submit to this life, someone who will, if you use their words , become 'stronger' than you, surpass you..as i saw many surpass me. i kept myself...i tried to be as detatched and..oh, fuck it, i never moved up from the first title of power, and, while others began to call me weak for it, it still remains one of the exreamly few things i can be moderately proud of. i caused alot less hurt. eugh. this is totally why i have almost a phobia of going against what i believe (and really, when it comes to others, i have good morals, things my dad taught me, like true strength, protecting not only your friends but...when you can...thats why i believe, if you see something and know its wrong, you absolutely must do something. it makes me sick at night still too often, so what if i didnt..act the way one was required to in order to move up in rank (my 18th birthday couldnt have come sooner, that evaluation the week before was pretty much saying that next week, i would be evaluated for DH..its weird though, i really would have prefered that job, even though it was above my rank, i would have done ..much better, theres was more room for me to be something other then a target a hate and ..all that. the times i actually was able to do anything beneficial for anyone there were few and far in between..and its shameful, and i still despise myself for it, but i really, truly, ..uhm i was scared. more often than not i would end up with some punishment and accusations of being 'weak' , so eventually, i focussed more and more energy into retaining myself 'inside', and being on autopilot, not feeling, not being a beast in my job, but letting wrongs go on regardless. i just wanted to get out, and as the days finally left the tripple digits until i could claim my human rights (yeah, all of you..well most who will read this, you may have been led to believe otherwise, but up until one is 18 here in the hypocritical, careless USA, one does NOT have rights to their own person. you cant do shit. in my situation...now it blows my mind, i remember sometimes i would think and id be excited beyond belief thinking of how only in a few months i would be allowed to do things that everyone takes for granted-LESS then for granted! like going to the bathroom without needing to get it cleared so it didnt interfere with anything, what it would be like to walk down t he road (even though at this point i was XT...and to just clear shit up a bit, XT is the lowest 'power position'...now its my job to..ugh, how do i explain this? XTs...i fekt like we were expendables, guarding exits, analyzing (i did alot of that), taking shifts imprisoning someone not at all unlike myself as the scream and cry, hopefully calm down, and hate you, dont understand HOW you could be doing this..and how i realized that i needed to send my emotions farther...away, because all i could feel was disgust, remembering how back then, i looked at XTs (and the higher ups) as the very worst kind of being, and how much, despite how i like to tell myself i was good and numbing my feelings, it really, really hurt to exist in any form here, but especially in that state, of no power. not even allowed to privilege of walking the hallways by themselves. forget free time. i couldnt convince myself that becoming XT was the best choice, but in the end..it won out over ..that existence.to be RR or WK and yes..SD (for 'shot down'. punishment' big time) is truly unbearable..and sometimes, its a lose-lose, and when i was no longer RR, i had the 'joy' of holding the position that is the most infuriating to all NS (RR/WK/SD)..it was a mix of great...relief, but also, an inner defeat. i was no longer to be assumed a risk, and id stand for hours on my zones really hoping no one would make me do my job too often, by all means, if anyone ever managed to get past us all and out of there (it happened once in my time. others try, fail, and its really unpleasant for them. really, you cant even comprehend.) id want cheer them on (and squirm with inner jealousy of the freedom theyre having), and i have disabilities when it comes to fighting for causes i dont believe in. .so now, i had something akin to 'trust'..but that also meant that i was no longer presumed strong enough (at all) to be a thret. ugh i need to stop this emo pity party peepants party from hell. i cant write about this anymore. too much painkiller to do justice to what i want to really say. no one but the ones whove shared that life can understand what its like to have just about as much rights as a young animal meant to be trained hard and wholey. i dont want others to understand though, i cant want that, to understand, youd need to experience...i want that to never happen to anyone again. i cant ever brush it off, put it in the past. as my body becomes increasingly useless, the dream of ever ridding myself of this guilty soulless feeling gets fainter, farther. and the more i fear...uh..i was surprised, after i was in...ya know, 'normal' life, how quickly i was able to revive me feelings & my 'self', but still, always, this year in particular, where i get this ridiculous fear, i lose myself. if i dont exert constant effort and follow what is right and try to help people atleast by talking to then, godamnit! i must. if i stay in a few days, youd be amazed at how it turns into weeks, months, i forget, i care and it hurts (probably irrationally) and by default, i react in the way i was 'trained' to. and i forget that i care, how much i really do get ridiculously sappy over my friendships .. and this shit, these problems, they just arnt ones that anyone is comfortable hearing about. see, im not going to have another pity-party for myself. okay, well, teachnically, its too late. but im ending it here. not to sleep ofcourse, cause i did that yesterday and i can really never sleep until ive had atleast one full day, usually more like 2 (48 hours, dearies), and if i continue to torture you poor people unlucky enough to read this, ill get too into the memories, and dont want to go numb anymore then i am now. even with the crap and unpleasent emotions, i still really do find being a 'person' very worth it, despite the downs. its wonderful to be able to feel highs and lows at all.

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January 2012
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