Posts Tagged racky

your problems would resolve themselves if you would just shut your mouth

no longer useful.

Continue Reading Add comment July 6, 2009

tictactoomuch

a crappy test. nah it was okay. whatever.

Continue Reading 1 comment April 9, 2008

still talkin bout the smilin deathporn immortality blues

cock block

procrastinate NOW!

super normals

pepsi degeneration

the best of 12 tries

bland on bland

censorshit

it's over, man. let her go.

bro123450 on tictactoomuch
pouchie153 on i hate you
e2e278699781b827db3a… on i hate you
Mr WordPress on Hello world!

luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

she couldnt come. she was afraid of her love for you.

WTF i just bitched out a rather legnthy rant expressing my anger at the unwanted 'information' that was the consequence of my uncaring attitude towards giving a damn about logging off of any of the many (MANY - its sick, ithink i have a problem..) random online 'things' (ex:facebook, digg & other RSS feeding fucking things, myspace, you get the picture...) you see..i have this unquestionable unhealthy urge to create an account (most blame this on my apparent, but true, addiction to myself..and my computer. any computer. i take over when i come to CPs house, pretty sure if she wasnt pitying my bloodclot and surgury shit, shed be beating my self-obsessed ass up with a raw trout--which, i wouldnt deny, i probably could benefit from. erm..the beating, not the trout. yeah..) shit! tangent! moving ON! *you know, over the past two years, ive become rather UNfond of percoset, vicodin & codeine. infact, i fucking hate their guts, they make me vomit. seriously, because every time i take any of 'em (like now, ive got the pleasure of having all three stuffed unceremoniously into my pill bag (think senior citizen-styley. isnt that cool..) along with 8 other bottless, some which i aint complaining about, and others (such as the one that brought on the 'slow, uncomfortable spew' and the seizure pills (now that i'm more used to this bloated dosage, i find myself rather confused at it already being may, things after the end of december got kinda...cloudy. and NO, my 'usual memory' isnt just as bad due to my habbit of coming home (or, staying home, for days at a time like one of those cat ladies. but with no cats. just a fish.) and kicking back with two six-packs of any bitch drink (sorry for the term, but we all know what that means: twisted tea-my favorite again finally we are reconcilled after the Terrible 'Pounding'/'Chugging' Dozen Dare in Under One Hour...followed by the 'Private Time' i declared i needed to have suddenly after...to go outside and thow up all over the sides of my poor friends' house, the very same house where i sped my way through days&days&DAYS of volentarily&joyiously cleaning it with passionate obsession and lots of green scrubies...the story gets a lot more embarassing, but ill try to stick to the point (a little), lets just say when i came in, i apparently declared that i was going to go shower, and i was pretty fucked up at that point, but i was surprised when i woke up on the couch the next morning with like my arm through a pant leg and my pants...not where they should have been..ayyee...my...ego... oh well theyve seen me do dumber and drunker and worse then that! that wasnt even NEARLY the stupidest night ive had! ... shit. for real now. put a long story short, i had a program running that saves all the webpages i visit (yes fuckers i know thats what the 'history' tab is for but just listen its different!) in an online account giving me the freedom to not lose my place even when i lose my computer...im throttling my brain, trying to think of public places ive logged into...but really, all i can think of is at CSC. when i re-logged back in after a long bout of negligence, i was heartbroken to see my 'favorites' looking ever-so-similar to my AOL mailbox (which is why my emails are always over 600 in the inbox and people are always thinking 'wow, that abnormal bitch is totally the worst kind of asshole whos out frolicking or some shit and ignoring her friends *I'M SORRY! I HAVE A PROBLEM CHECKING MY MESSAGES! ID WORK ON IT BUT I CANT HANDLE THE SPAM IT MAKES ME BREAK THINGS!*...there were the stock/business/financial-type webpages (EW. delete. didnt even want to get sucked into that right now), the 'ENLARGE YOUR PENIS!' x 60-or-so (DAMMIT! thats why ive kept my distance from myspace, too. I DONT HAVE A FUCKING DICK, i dont care how amazing the product is, i'm not going to grow 'double my size' and get mad bitches and all that shit, because theres no fucking cock there to begin with. its like driving off a cliff and slamming on the breaks in mid air. it just aint happening, so, kindly FUCK OFF and spam me with something more original please!)..but then, things got weird. really weird. like that time last year when we were on a real lot of acid for most of the time and looked up dolphin sex. ugh. i learned more then i ever wanted to know about nature, being ONE with NATURE and all that %$!#@!#@!...sorry, i'm all about being yourself, embracing your inner fuckup oddball child and all, but...i dunno man. .. lets just leave it at, i feel perfectly fulfilled consumating with humans, and thats kind of it. beastiality...itsd just TMI. yes, truly it must be, because i am the tyrant overlord of TMI, so for me to declare thatmaybe SOME THINGS should be done in private and maybe NOT shared with me, or most people. man, even writing that pisses me off at myself, i sound like i'm judging and i hate that. maybe i just feel so tramatized by that topic because of all the acid i was on while 'reaserching' uncontrollably, devoid of my own will! (if i ever have a flashback and remember exactly WHO it was that brought up 'dolphin sex' that night, i think ill..do something UNSPEAKABLE to them! in an unpleasant way, damnit!) and because there were MOVIES included with the information. ugh. talk about a bad trip... shit, its amazing how much time i can fill up and waste while half-assedly dancing around a general topic only to lead people far from any sort of comprehensionable conclusion. there were a load of porn sites, but what caught my eye as rather unusual were the "Q&A" type queries, searching for..to put it bluntly, how to jerk one's self off. now...i thought every male, ESPECIALLY during that 'pre-teen' middleschool not quite puberty voice squeek haha funny, most every young lad was religiously devoted to wanking off as often as possible. i couldnt help but click on some of the sites. and all i felt was...well... "..." and then suddenly i couldnt stop laughing, followed by guilt..id just always assumed choking the chicken, flogging the weasel...thrashing the tadpole , whatever you want to call it was instinct, like passing the blame, or conforming. through all my years, boys and their 'toys' always seemed like had that natural understanding. and its just..SO simple though. and reading it in a DIRECTIONS style...just like how one would read over a recipe for some desgusting foreign french food...i mean...wouldnt that alone kinda turn wee-wee into mr. softy? it sounded even less hot reading how one would go about tackling the difficult task of "up, down, up, down, up, DOWNUPDOWN,etc...SPLAT. mess...clean up. " but then again, unless someone at school had their younger brother visiting...i do truly hope there wasnt some 20-ish poor soul who didnt know how to set himself 'free'..heheehh. then the amusement wore off, and i returned to the angry, brutal mood i had been in prior, while i wasted a good hour and a half deleting links to shit i just really didnt want to even accidentily read. acually, this probably only was funny to me because of all them damn painkillers. which reminds me of why i hate those three so much, atleast with the fentanyl or a morphione drip or some other creepy thing ive had, im pretty much useless and fuckin OUT of it enough so that all the unpleasentries 'blend' and blur, and to be honest i couldnt give half an ass bout ANYTHING, let alone be coherent enough to think about much of anything (which is probably a good thing to everyone around me, atleast that cuts down on some of the bitching i do) but with this constant ambush of low & mid - level narcotics, i cant help but feel i'm getting the worst of both worlds. whoah talk about mood swings. its just now, i'm really getting tired of THIS. i..i think ill regret and berate myself for any opinion i type on this topic right now. i'm not going emo on you all. i enjoy being alive and dont really want to not live anymore, but at times (like now, when it appears i need to up the dosage..) i just get really fucking sick of this, and all the bullshit that comes with it, the medicines that (like the percs right now that i'm about to take) only fool me into thinking i'm okay and maybe a little bit ready to party (if you like to throw up on the floor and stuff..yeah) , or even more hated, the pills that fix what they can and make me feel hell of a lot worse and making chunks of my hair fall out (ive since developed a sick fixation on my hair. im finally not spiteful at its current length and plan on letting it grow as absurdly as possible-i hope) .. and lock my doors and act like a lame little excuse for a friend, get forgotten, then i forget that i care...ugh. and knowing that this shit...being 'sick' (and its almost ironic? - i think, ive always been flabbergasted with that definition... - that the problem is kind of oppisit. while i never got sick as a child and didnt have to go through all the boohoos of being a whiny kid with a cough and shitty tasting medicine - which means that until i got to be older, a few months after i turned 17 really, sick days, the MANY i would take ... 'vodka days, anyone?'... were always my fasvorite kind of week day, because really, i just didnt get sick. ofcourse, just like things ALWAYS go [for people like me, destined to be FUCKED no matter what the situation...ugh shut UP dont go emo i HATE that! nothing gets under my fingernails like broken glass from a handle of vodka like emo wannabeish duck-fuckers trying to turn depression & unhappiness into a godamned TREND..] .. theres no such thing as a shortcut.. no such thing as a discount .. (too many cliches can fit in here) and my problem is that my immune system is TOO...enthusiastic. like it got all hyped up on steriods, fame, then coke (like a few of them attention-seeking-then-becoming-enraged-when-they-only-get-what-they-ask-for-celebs out there-though perhaps the cover of the enquirer wasnt quite what they had in mind...) and suddenly they destroy everything around them. and as of now im not going to die really soon and i probably can make it close to 40 (who wants to sag anyway, i think ive got the second-hand experience of midlife crisis from my moms constant, UNRELENTING bitchingNmoaning about how her ass just doubled in size in mere months..yeah, no thanks. lifes about quality, not quantity, and if i continue to do what i feel, (yes, over the years i have grown quite proud over my disregard for things like 'hesitation' and 'thinking before you do something' ..or thinking that i should hold my opinion back, ever (okay, maybe sometimes...i need to stop overcompensating for the pathetic, numb, and opposite-of-person way i lived for 16 years...).. . its just frustrating sometimes to really think about..uhh, the fact that even my body seems to view & treat me in that way i had been accustomed to for so long..forget useless, as something weird and lesser, something that cant ever comfortably or functionally exist in this world. lets be real here. im not even trying to lie to myself anymore about what i can realistically expect from myself. next semester i plan on once again taking on only 2 courses, and theyre gonna be photo, the other shit is out of the picture now. i didnt even get credit for the ONE class i managed to cling on to this semester courtesy of my malfunctioning physical self. its silly to just deceive ones self in matters like this, where they have their own immune system randomly and incurably attacking any organ (& function) for no determinable reason...its like the universe is spitting on me, laughing at me for being silly enough to think that any amount of effort or 'living-through' of inhumane, disgusting and bitter-filled, guiltshitted situations leaving one with the distinct impression that kindness, loyalty, friendship...sympathy, anything less then harsh (better an overly-strong punishment and the occasional times when one really has done nothing actually WRONG - i sware if anyone EVER even came within a DICK-HAIR's length of telling me that i was required to eat EVERYTHING that was contained in my serving of food (the same size as everyone elses. thats not the point.) having to be humiliated and screamed at like that, being unable to talk back, to even be heard. i still get boiled when i remember that 'sloppy joe' incident. and it was such an obvious...%@#!#!#@!#@!, and no i couldnt have leftover fish or some shit instead, i had to 'eat what was on my plate'...couldnt i just fucking not have ANYTHYING then? no, eat whats on the plate. and two hours later i was still stuck in what to me was a horridly rediculous power strugle for me to back down and know my place-and it the now uncharmingly moist and squishy sloppy joe. back then wheat based shit just nauseated me and made me kinda feel drunk (but the bad kind, the nauseous, out of it, crawl on the spiinning floor type...those of you whove seen what happens to me when i drink even three beers (RIP, vodka my love, for you are distilled from the same bastardly thing that beeer is, and while my love is strong, i really rather not blow out a kidney again..) ..its not pretty. eventually, shamefully i ended up crying, because no one would listen to what was a perfectly logical reason (the bread makes me sick, i really cant eat it) until finally nick white stepped in and it was someone else's turn to have a bitter, vengeful situation dumped on them so that they would get 'growth' and become 'stronger'. but no one even know at that time, myself included (more like had to finally ADMIT to myself that i couldnt fake functionality anymore-and this wasnt until a little after i had turned 18. right about that time when i couldn't move most of my bones in my left limbs, and all that other fun stuff piled up..) that something was fucked with my health. it wasnt about that. its about...hating how i still know how to successfully break down a human mentally, from the inside out, over a period of months, and how gradually you can observe their individuality, personal morals & beliefs, fighting spirit..and all, trickle out. and when all of that is over, whats left is something that will submit to this life, someone who will, if you use their words , become 'stronger' than you, surpass you..as i saw many surpass me. i kept myself...i tried to be as detatched and..oh, fuck it, i never moved up from the first title of power, and, while others began to call me weak for it, it still remains one of the exreamly few things i can be moderately proud of. i caused alot less hurt. eugh. this is totally why i have almost a phobia of going against what i believe (and really, when it comes to others, i have good morals, things my dad taught me, like true strength, protecting not only your friends but...when you can...thats why i believe, if you see something and know its wrong, you absolutely must do something. it makes me sick at night still too often, so what if i didnt..act the way one was required to in order to move up in rank (my 18th birthday couldnt have come sooner, that evaluation the week before was pretty much saying that next week, i would be evaluated for DH..its weird though, i really would have prefered that job, even though it was above my rank, i would have done ..much better, theres was more room for me to be something other then a target a hate and ..all that. the times i actually was able to do anything beneficial for anyone there were few and far in between..and its shameful, and i still despise myself for it, but i really, truly, ..uhm i was scared. more often than not i would end up with some punishment and accusations of being 'weak' , so eventually, i focussed more and more energy into retaining myself 'inside', and being on autopilot, not feeling, not being a beast in my job, but letting wrongs go on regardless. i just wanted to get out, and as the days finally left the tripple digits until i could claim my human rights (yeah, all of you..well most who will read this, you may have been led to believe otherwise, but up until one is 18 here in the hypocritical, careless USA, one does NOT have rights to their own person. you cant do shit. in my situation...now it blows my mind, i remember sometimes i would think and id be excited beyond belief thinking of how only in a few months i would be allowed to do things that everyone takes for granted-LESS then for granted! like going to the bathroom without needing to get it cleared so it didnt interfere with anything, what it would be like to walk down t he road (even though at this point i was XT...and to just clear shit up a bit, XT is the lowest 'power position'...now its my job to..ugh, how do i explain this? XTs...i fekt like we were expendables, guarding exits, analyzing (i did alot of that), taking shifts imprisoning someone not at all unlike myself as the scream and cry, hopefully calm down, and hate you, dont understand HOW you could be doing this..and how i realized that i needed to send my emotions farther...away, because all i could feel was disgust, remembering how back then, i looked at XTs (and the higher ups) as the very worst kind of being, and how much, despite how i like to tell myself i was good and numbing my feelings, it really, really hurt to exist in any form here, but especially in that state, of no power. not even allowed to privilege of walking the hallways by themselves. forget free time. i couldnt convince myself that becoming XT was the best choice, but in the end..it won out over ..that existence.to be RR or WK and yes..SD (for 'shot down'. punishment' big time) is truly unbearable..and sometimes, its a lose-lose, and when i was no longer RR, i had the 'joy' of holding the position that is the most infuriating to all NS (RR/WK/SD)..it was a mix of great...relief, but also, an inner defeat. i was no longer to be assumed a risk, and id stand for hours on my zones really hoping no one would make me do my job too often, by all means, if anyone ever managed to get past us all and out of there (it happened once in my time. others try, fail, and its really unpleasant for them. really, you cant even comprehend.) id want cheer them on (and squirm with inner jealousy of the freedom theyre having), and i have disabilities when it comes to fighting for causes i dont believe in. .so now, i had something akin to 'trust'..but that also meant that i was no longer presumed strong enough (at all) to be a thret. ugh i need to stop this emo pity party peepants party from hell. i cant write about this anymore. too much painkiller to do justice to what i want to really say. no one but the ones whove shared that life can understand what its like to have just about as much rights as a young animal meant to be trained hard and wholey. i dont want others to understand though, i cant want that, to understand, youd need to experience...i want that to never happen to anyone again. i cant ever brush it off, put it in the past. as my body becomes increasingly useless, the dream of ever ridding myself of this guilty soulless feeling gets fainter, farther. and the more i fear...uh..i was surprised, after i was in...ya know, 'normal' life, how quickly i was able to revive me feelings & my 'self', but still, always, this year in particular, where i get this ridiculous fear, i lose myself. if i dont exert constant effort and follow what is right and try to help people atleast by talking to then, godamnit! i must. if i stay in a few days, youd be amazed at how it turns into weeks, months, i forget, i care and it hurts (probably irrationally) and by default, i react in the way i was 'trained' to. and i forget that i care, how much i really do get ridiculously sappy over my friendships .. and this shit, these problems, they just arnt ones that anyone is comfortable hearing about. see, im not going to have another pity-party for myself. okay, well, teachnically, its too late. but im ending it here. not to sleep ofcourse, cause i did that yesterday and i can really never sleep until ive had atleast one full day, usually more like 2 (48 hours, dearies), and if i continue to torture you poor people unlucky enough to read this, ill get too into the memories, and dont want to go numb anymore then i am now. even with the crap and unpleasent emotions, i still really do find being a 'person' very worth it, despite the downs. its wonderful to be able to feel highs and lows at all.

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dreams are like rainbows. only idiots chase them.

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